Since it’s Halloween and I’ve recently been on the topic of not dressing your pets up here’s another tip. Grow the fuck up and don’t dress yourself up. There is no way you can consider yourself an adult and dress up for Halloween, so pick one or the other. Do you think Warren Buffett is busy getting his Joker makeup on right now? No! While you’re off acting like a tit, he’s figuring out how to turn the financial misery you’re trying to drown with Halloween and drink into another billion dollars.
If you have to dress up don’t be the kind of douche that uses it as an excuse to try and dress as cool as possible by going as a gangster or Scarface or something. Of course none of this applies to girls that want to use Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty. In fact feel free to do that year round ladies. I mean, provided you’re attractive. If not just go as a paper bag… year round.
You might get a pass on the “don’t dress up” thing if you have children and do it for their sake while escorting them trick-or-treating. Please note, if you get any personal enjoyment out of this that isn’t derived directly from bringing joy to your child, then you’re doing it wrong.
Don’t do what the people in the above video have done. Dressing up your pets for any reason is awful and you are awful if you do it. The fact that it’s Halloween is no excuse; your dog can’t appreciate the concept of Halloween, much less make the decision that he would like to dress up for it.
These self-congratulatory idiots seem to think it’s some kind of accomplishment that they raised $1,500 for charity. I dick on $1,500, especially since these morons could have raised ten times that by taking a collection of the money they were planning to waste on pet costumes.
First off, this post isn’t about Sarah Palin, her politics, or her views. This post is about Matt Damon and how awfully he behaves in the above video. Sarah Palin is awful too, but for those views you’ll have to see a later blog post or the inside of my mind as it rages every night while I struggle to sleep.
Matt Damon starts this video out with a serious tone making some valid points about Sarah Palin. It even appears he might have something constructive to say. However, it quickly becomes apparent that he is actually just using the video as a forum to roll out some comedy bits he and his friends had a laugh over while hanging out. It all kicks off around 40 seconds in when Damon says, “We were talking about it earlier. It’s like a really bad Disney movie.” This is the point where Matt accidentally reveals that the entire basis for the discussion is not political in nature, but instead motivated by a group of people that told Matt Damon his Sarah Palin views were “awesome”, “hilarious”, and “so funny that you should totally say them on television”.
To better understand lets break this video down and see why exactly Matt Damon is such a tit-box. As previously noted at 40 seconds Matt starts his little comedy routine with “We were talking about it earlier.” This is a great opening line and I won’t fault him for it. I’ve started many stories, anecdotes, and other miscellaneous bullshit conversations with that line. It lets the listener know that hilarity is about to ensue and segues Matt right into his first joke. He lays the foundation with “It’s like a really bad Disney movie.” Nice Matt, you have peaked my interest with a professional quality setup; now deliver the punchline. And boy does he ever deliver. You’ll notice at 46 seconds Matt goes into the cornerstone of his routine which I refer to as the “Sarah Palin: Hockey Mom” bit. Poor Matt, it’s not entirely his fault because at 48 seconds you get a glimpse of what motivates him to say this garbage. The interviewer starts a high pitched wheezing laugh and Matt Damon’s eyes light up with the self satisfaction and joy that only one’s material killing can bring. This boosts his confidence and he is now ready to unleash his golden line using his best ironically affable Will Hunting delivery, “She is facing down Vladimir Putin using the folksy stuff she learned at the hockey rink.” He has delivered that line 4 or 5 times while around his friends and knows exactly how to say the word “folksy” to get a laugh; here he does it to perfection, so much so that I almost forget I’m watching a video of a millionaire who plays pretend for a living and not hanging out with a working class guy from Boston whose brilliance gives him perspective on the world I could never dream of having.
The worst part of this whole mess comes at 59 seconds. Matt Damon says “It’s absurd” in a completely serious tone. Unbelievable! This cunt has the audacity to not only break into a shitty comedy routine but then to try and bring it back to a serious political discussion. He then continues in this vein for about 20 seconds, acting as if his words should be taken seriously. How can he expect me to take him seriously after his little “folksy hockey mom” act? You’d think he’d be done there, but after his 20 seconds of serious political talk he does the unthinkable and breaks out more comedy about dinosaurs. Matt you unbelievable bastard. Sir, how dare you treat me like this. You are just garbage, just a total pile of garbage for doing this to me.
This is just sick. Roane State, a junior college in Tennessee, has let a 73 year old man, Ken Mink, make their basketball team. They are clearly just making fun of him. He is expected to play 5 or 6 minutes a game and according to head coach Randy Nesbit that has more to do with Mink needing to learn the offensive and defensive schemes than with his health or conditioning. If you believe that watch the video, at best he’s in pretty good shape for a 73 year old and by that I mean he is amazingly slow, has no quickness, and looks completely confused at all times. That being said, I’m sure for someone who hasn’t played organized basketball since the 1950s in Kentucky the schemes are also a huge hurdle. Things like defensive rotation, the jump shot, and passing to a black man. At least judging from the shorts he’s wearing in the video Mink has learned that I don’t need to see his balls for him to play basketball effectively.
So to sum up Mink has no notable physical ability, is not aided by experience, but rather hurt by it, and an unknown junior college and its coach have their names in the news. Which one of these things explain how a 73 year old man makes a college basketball roster?
Astronauts must be the most pathetic people on or off this planet. As a child the thought of going into space and experiencing zero gravity is awesome, but then most of us grow up. Astronauts on the other hand spend their entire lives in pursuit of this mostly childish goal. Then there are horrible grown men like Mark Shuttleworth who pay upwards of 20 million dollars just to experience the thrill of going into space. But whether you make it to space as the result of years of hard work and dedication or by being a rich shit you share the same dark secret: space is cool for no more than five minutes after which you realize it’s just stupid and you’re a cunt.
Think about it. How long could the novelty of having no gravity possibly last? Here’s the situation; you arrive in space after an exhausting rocket trip. Things have settled and you finally say “My god, I did it. I am in space. This is amazing.” You unbuckle your seat belt and magically float around. It is amazing. Ok, now what? You get out some water and fling it around. Ok, that was kind of cool. Um… now you throw a pen across the room. Nice… ok, the pen throwing thing is done. At this point you play a game called “throw whatever shit you have around and watch it float”. Now you have to take a shit. That isn’t so fun in zero gravity. It has been a total of five minutes and you want to go home. The horrible thing is you can’t. You are stuck in space for a week with nothing to do but reflect on how stupid and overrated zero gravity is. Once you get back to earth the only thing to do is to cover up your embarrassment by telling people how amazing your time in space was, knowing that the only people with the direct experience to challenge you on it are just as ashamed and eager to lie as well. Mark Shuttleworth must feel like a complete tit for blowing twenty million dollars when he could have taken a couple of trips on one of those planes that simulate weightlessness instead.
In closing let me put it another way. Imagine the worst vacation you could go on. You spend an ungodly amount of money to get to some exotic destination, but once there you are confined to your tiny hotel room for the duration of the trip due to a tropical storm. What one thing could make this worse? If all the gravity was sucked out of your room.
The first BCS standings of the season came out today which is great if you love the colossal waste of time that is following sports. It’s even more exciting if you think the best way to determine a league champion is to have each team play less than 10% of their possible opponents then have a computer decide.
The current standings have the Texas Longhorns at number 1 and the Alabama Crimson Tide at number 2. If you were too stupid to figure that out from the post title you’re probably the kind of worthless dirt that lives in a college town and passionately supports the local team despite having never gone to any college or university let alone the one on whom you waste your time, energy, and money.
Great news if you’re a filthy hippie, tickets for the recently announced Phish reunion at the Hampton Coliseum on March 6th, 7th, and 8th of 2009 go on sale today. However, if you do wash your hair daily, eat meat, and aren’t a waste of space but are a fan of pointless self-indulgent jamming I’m sure you can still enjoy the show. It’ll just help if before going you try to get as unhealthy as possible, take as many drugs as you can, and develop some poorly informed idealistic political views.
So get ready Hampton, VA for 60,000 stoned tree-hugging twats to overrun your city!
The above man is Brad Sciullo at Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennsylvania. He’s pictured here doing nothing to dispel the notion of Americans as fat, greedy, hamburger loving morons and doing everything to promote the idea of Brad Sciullo as the kind of knob that would get a sense of accomplishment from eating a 15 pound (6.8 Kilo) cheeseburger in under 5 hours. For his efforts Sciullo earned the life changing sum of $400, 3 T-shirts, a certificate, and the respect of jackasses around the world. To see one of these jackasses just have a look at the man handing Sciullo his certificate as they both struggle to veil the pathetic depressing misery of their lives.
First off, Iron Chef is retarded, but what’s worse is filming your television and then posting that video on the internet. There are way too many people who do this. If you don’t know how to not do this, stop and reflect on the importance of what you want to show me before getting out your camcorder to film it off your TV. Chances are it’s awful and so are you so don’t waste your effort. Instead take that effort and learn how to correctly do things, that way if you absolutely need me to see the Iron Chef host yelling “beer” you’ll only be a cunt for your frat-douche sense of humor rather than both it and your rudimentary grasp of technology.
My god this is horrible. Scare Tactics is just a horrible waste of time. In addition, this man, owning the call sign “Cauldren“, loves the show so much he felt compelled to tell the world. Not only is he completely confident that the show is awesome, he also believes this with such conviction that surely the world will not only agree, but also be so desperate for anything even remotely Scare Tactics related as to seek out the recorded opinions of a worthless tit-stump and then give a shit. The worst part is I am now posting my opinion of his opinion of a show I hate. So who is worse? The answer is Cauldren. Why have I seen this? Why is this available to be seen? Just cease life you horrible man before I kick your tits in.
